THE SHADOWS
OF MY SORROW
- P. Krishnamoorthy
It was a Sunday morning. I came out to the portico from my living room to have a glimpse of the outside world . The nature’s shower began as a drizzle, later turned out to be a downpour in a vibrant rainbow backdrop; thus making the whole area of Dehra Dhun into a magnificent splendor. I came here on a short term assignment to oversee a project. Nature’s beautiful scenes do entice me as it helps me to forget the terrible tragedies I had undergone back home in Cochin.
I am Vijay and I grew up under the care of my maternal uncle and aunt in Cochin, India from my sixth year as I lost both my parents at that age. Both my uncle and aunt, amidst their two twin daughters, Vandana and Keerthana, treated me very well and I never felt the absence of my parents. When I got my MBA results, wherein, I had passed with distinction, I rushed to my home to inform the happy news to them. “Uncle! I got distinction in MBA. The results were announced this morning” I said extending a packet of sweets. “Congratulations! I know you would get distinction” My uncle’s reply was instant, but he held a pause. “Uncle! why you stopped from asking something from me?” I gave out my inquisitiveness He hesitated and then continued “Vijay! You have to do me a favor” “Uncle! Don’t make me an alien by using words like ‘favor’. You have the right to order me anything that I instantly had to do it.” “Son! Now that you have finished your academic career, don’t you think about getting married and settling in your life. I have a proposal to offer one of my daughters and I am sure you would have no objection to my request.” As I was not in a wedding mood, this uncle’s favor’ was like a bolt from the blue to me.
Right from early childhood though both Vandana and Keertana moved with me closely, I never had even an inkling of such a relationship with either of them. Vandana, was an introvert and reclusive girl and seldom interact with other people. Keertana was just opposite. She was a daredevil, extrovert and a mixture in any company. While Vandana was serious and systematic in everything, Keertana was happy-go-lucky and take things light heartedly. I liked Nandana more for her systematic, disciplined, and reserved behavior. Even before uncle’s choice, I gave my nod to marry Vandana with the condition that she should confirm her wholehearted consent for this proposal. “Of course, I would check with her on this. I am sure she would agree very willingly as she had understood you very well.”: Uncle’s voice was very optimistic and positive. Vandana was also very happy on this proposal when I proposed to her, instantly she confirmed her consent. In fact, she had an apprehension all along whether I might be interested in Keertana and my offer had cleared her doubt.
Keertana was very active in finalizing the arrangements of our wedding. The way in which she had devoted her time and interest made me surprised. I was convinced she was not having any remorse for my choosing Vandana as my life partner instead of her. Possibly the reason for this benevolence being she might have a boyfriend in the college or jaunts elsewhere. My uncle and aunt were extremely happy and jubilant to see that no problem whatsoever would crop up in the middle and everything to go well as planned.
As this was the first wedding in the family, uncle was keen that the wedding had to be celebrated in a lavish style. As scheduled, the wedding ceremonies went off very well and also well attended by kith and kin and friends of Keertana.. The ceremony was in the traditional style and the reception was colorful with music and dance programmed. After a week, as planned by us, we went to Singapore for a honeymoon and after an enjoyable time of two weeks, returned home. I was trying some opportunities for a job and finally got a placement locally with a good start as General Manager in one of the leading multi-nationals. With all things working out in my favor, life was enjoyable and happy. Vanadana also was very jubilant and happy on my progress. Uncle and Aunt were satisfied more with Vandana’s happiness. Keertana, as usual, was very busy in spending her time with her friends.
The efflux of time was very fast and we never felt one year had elapsed so soon since our wedding. All preparations to celebrate our first wedding day were on, and again Keertana took the responsibility for the lavish arrangements. Though Vandana and Keertana were twin sisters, the latter never expressed any emotional feelings of being single; she was also not reacting to kith and kin’s remarks and comments of her single status. Vandana had hinted often to me about her single status and insisted that I should take immediate efforts to find a suitable alliance for her. I also felt guilty in my lethargic attitude to this. I would not have been a successful man today but for my uncle’s support all these years. By finding out and finalizing an alliance from a good family for her, I could feel I had done something for them as a token of repaying in return for all they had done so far.to me. I would also find out whether she had anybody in mind.
On the eve of our wedding day, we had to attend a close friend’s birthday day. He was my close pal since my school and college days. It was arranged in Taj hotel that was an hour’s drive from our home. Vandana was very attractively dressed for that evening. I had not seen her so beautiful so far in her new gorgeous and elegant outfit. She always believed in being simple and traditional unlike Keertana. But to my surprise, she appeared quite contrary to her choice on that day.
Throughout the day, it was drizzling and when we started, it intensified and turned into a downpour. We waited for an hour for the downpour to stop. The family folks insisted us to cancel our visit. After a few minutes, the downpour became drizzle again and gave a green signal to proceed. I was at the wheel and drove the car at a safe speed. Halfway through, suddenly the drizzle became downpour again along with thunder and lightning. Vandana was scared and terrified and wanted me to stop the vehicle. As there was no building in that area to take shelter, I continued driving. Even though the powerful headlights of the car were on, with the heavy downpour, I was blindly driving with very poor visibility . Vandana became very restless and shouted to stop the car. While we were arguing, I saw some moving object like a dog trying to cross the road in front of our car. To avoid hitting it, I swerved the vehicle sharply, and I lost control of the vehicle. The car turned and hit a big tree with a loud bang and stopped. The windshield glass was shattered in pieces and hit Vandana’s face. She also had a strong impact with deep cuts on her face that were profusely bleeding. I saw her faint. I managed to get out of the car and realized that my face was also covered in blood. I got my cell phone and contacted an ambulance to be rushed to the accident spot. Still the torrential rain continued, and I was trying to find out Vandana’s condition. I also contacted my home to inform them of the accident. With no other option left except praying God to save her, I waited for an hour when the ambulance to arrive and transferred Vandana into the vehicle. The para-medical staff checked her condition and found the pulse falling fast despite their efforts to save her. We reached the hospital without further delay; but, to my misfortune, the doctors pronounced her dead on arrival.
The following days at home were the days of sadness and sobbing. Each one tried to console the other but failed miserably, as their own emotional outbursts overpowered them. While the untimely death of Vandana left uncle and aunt literally ‘lifeless’ for weeks, Keerthana was equally gloomy and silent, thus a graveyard silence prevailed at home. Aloneness was the panacea for my grief, and solitary staying late hours in my office offered me some relief. Also, by staying away from home I was able to avoid recollecting memories of Vandana’s concern for me on returning home every day. As this prolonged, Keerthana was concerned and even waiting for me in late hours like Vandana.
Keerthana’s changed attitude turned out to my mentally visualizing Vandana’s image in her. I accepted Keerthana’s concern as if they were from Vandana; I valued my interest with her as that of with Vandana. It was strange, absurd and illogical to feel and show interest for demised Nandana on Keerthana just because the latter had the same features and appearance as her demised twin sister; for others this perceptibly inferred as if I had compromised to accept Keerthana in her sister’s place. This kind of a involuntary scenario impelled me to change my mental visualizing of her as Nandana into Keerthana only. This led to our continued interaction more between us and blossomed into mutual understanding. Visibly the kith and kin including my uncle and aunt accepted our relationship and were happy to decide for us to become life partners. The wedding proposal between us had also clearance and consent from Keerthana. The wedding day had been fixed and as this was the second wedding for me, I wanted it to be simple and take place in a temple. I was surprised at Keerthana’s decision also to go in my way despite this being her first wedding.
With simple and traditional decorations, our wedding was celebrated in a religious manner. All our kith and kin and friends attended and blessed us for a long, happy married life. Keerthana was in a gorgeous dress exactly like Nandana’s on my first wedding. We enjoyed our honeymoon trip to Europe and both liked Switzerland among other countries. At every given opportunity, memories of Nandana haunted me as I still was not able to fully come out of my ‘mental visualization’. After returning home, the official routine kept me busy, and Keerthana was busy with her college studies. The weekends outings and visiting friends kept us engaged.
“Vijay! Today afternoon my friend Sonali was giving her birthday lunch party. She had invited both of us Could you take a day off to attend with me” Keerthana waited for my response. “I am sorry Keerthana. I would not be able to attend due to pressure of official work”. Keerthana was not happy with my response. “You take my car and I will go in the company car to office” She hardly reacted to my offer except “Thanks”.
When I reached my office, the office staff were all waiting outside shouting slogans. In two groups. They were demanding the bonus issue to be settled immediately. Already police were at the scene to avoid any clash between them. I addressed the gathering and promised to settle the issue without any further delay. When the groups were discussing my offer, there was a call on my cell phone. I answered the call and , that was from a hospital, After listening to the call, felt as if a big blow had struck my head. I fainted. Immediately my office staff carried me to my office and after some first aid. They drove me to the hospital.
The worst had happened again. I was informed that Keerthana met with a serious road accident when she was driving to her friend’s place. She lost control of the car and after a swerve, hit a tree and Keerthana had multiple head injuries and was undergoing surgery. The police explained that she was driving the car very fast and lost control... The doctors came out from the operating room and pronounced dead despite their best efforts.
After this, both my uncle and aunt were shattered and traumatized. Having lost both the daughters in succession, they could not reconcile their loss. They looked dazed all the time and any amount of consolation by others was not working out for them. I was cursing my fate. Possibly the accident would not have happened if I had gone with her to the birthday party. I was blaming myself as totally responsible for her death. The entire home appeared desolate with her loss. Her memories were echoing in every corner of our house. After Nandana’s demise at least Keerthana was there as a consoling factor. It was unfortunate that the twin sisters were snatched by the cruel hand of death in their prime of youth.
Time was always the best healer for all such tragedies. Though not fully erasing the unkind thoughts in one’s mind or memory, passing of time to an extent converts such tragic memories to come back to reality for every day’s living even though unseen forces of destiny constantly active. I do not believe in pre-ordained curses on families that would result in tragedies of young family members. When my bereavement was severe and filled with sorrow to the brim, I would loathe to hear any kind of dogma or philosophical elucidation or explanation on the successive tragedies; but my uncle’s explanation made me lend my ears. He was detailing these accidents as pre-destined curse, to twins might be the cause for the tragedy. The very fact that the accident happened in the same spot and at the same tree in both cases was a testimony for the pre-ordained curse acted to have the end of the sisters. Some attribute the family generation gene was responsible for this. But my inner conscience every time echoing the curse was on me that turned out to destroy any girl becoming my life partner.. They were alive and very happy so far, they remained as the daughters of my uncle. Their end came only after getting married to me. I felt guilty of causing their deaths indirectly and I dare not even think of becoming a husband again. This curse would follow me like shadows of my sorrow for the rest of my life.
